Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
