Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Randomize
