Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
