Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
