I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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