i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I understand Curling. That high.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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