so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Randomize
