i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
