I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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