Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Someone signed my nipple.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
