btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
