Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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