I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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