a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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