One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
