Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
