I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
