im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
