the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
