Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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