whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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