Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
