1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
