I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
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