They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
