Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
