I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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