Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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