I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
