Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
pray to the hookup gods
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
