i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
