do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
