then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
