Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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