what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
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