Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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