i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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