dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
