Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
