I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
