dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
