I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
