All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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