I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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