I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Randomize
