Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
