I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I think my moral compass just broke
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