my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
