Already got asked if we're dating
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
