Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
