For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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