I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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