Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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