the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
